Since I was a kid, I’ve felt that I was missing something. That other people had some unidentifiable thing that I didn’t have. At first it was money. “My friends have nicer houses than me,” I thought sadly. “I am without.”

 

By the time I hit puberty, it was my body that was lacking. Other boys grew muscle — their chests became pecs, their forearms sturdy. Their butts became nothing but solid flesh. I, on the other hand, just grew thinner. My chest concave, my forearms weak. I hardly had a butt at all. If there was an ideal shape to be, puberty took me farther away from it. I loathed what my body became. I stared from a distance at the others, the boys who were called “popular” and “athletic” and “attractive” and “cool.” I longed to have what they had but didn’t know how to get it.

 

How does one make that go away? That feeling of lack. That desire to bridge a perceived gap. How do I begin to realize—or even to remember—that I am, in fact, whole?

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A few things I’m thankful for:

- family group texts

- sugar

- the gift of dance

 

 

Pop culture things I’m thinking about:

- Ride with Benito Skinner and Mary Beth Barone (!!!)

- Poor Things (!!!)

- May December (???)

- “The Inner Work” by Mat & Ash

 

 

A random journal entry:

1.30.20

it’s hard to be patient when you don’t know what you’re waiting for

 

 

Something to practice:

Box Breath — Sit upright. Set a timer for 2 minutes. Close your eyes, close your mouth. Breathe in your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale out of your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4. Like a box.

 

Try to focus on your breath for the full 2 minutes. It’s ok if you stop and start again. That’s expected. Pay attention to which aspect is hardest for you: the inhale, the exhale, or the hold.

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Thanks for reading :) Talk again soon.