To be human is to be an addict. We cannot avoid this. It is simply our nature. Name your drug of choice. Is it alcohol? Marijuana? People pleasing? Avoidance? Gossip? Porn? I’ve been addicted to at least half of that list myself. I’ll let you do the math.

 

I’ve come to see addiction as a cycle. A self-reinforcing circle. It starts near the bottom, with an impulse that rises and eventually culminates into an action that I know is not best for me but I inevitably take. Then, immediately after taking said action, my self-trust does a nose dive. I fall right down the backside, sinking straight to the bottom where I dwell for hours, days, weeks in a deep, sticky cesspool of self-inflicted shame.

 

I’ve lived a substantial chunk of my life at the bottom of that cesspool. Drowning in it. Becoming it. Ruminating on how horrible I am and how disappointed in myself I feel. Until at one point I came to realize it was doing me more harm than good. Dwelling in shame had become my greatest addiction of all.

 

I think a part of me thought that if I didn’t shame myself, I wouldn’t change. After all, how does a boy become good if you do not remind him that he is bad? Eventually I discovered that shame’s presence is not there to punish me, but is in fact there to help. Its role is to remind me of my values and my goals. Say I’ve decided I want to stop smoking weed, for example, but then three hours later I find myself taking a hit. Shame is my heart and soul’s way of communicating with my mind: This is not what I want to do. I have a grander vision for myself!

 

Here’s what I’ve come to know: Our intentions are almost always pure when we engage in addictive behaviors. When we reach for our pacifier of choice — the substance, the control, the criticism — we are seeking joy, love, acceptance, peace, pleasure, atonement, or hope. These are all good and beautiful things. Our very human right. There’s nothing inherently wrong with reaching for what we seek. That’s what makes breaking an addictive cycle an act of faith. It’s saying, “In a way, this is giving me what I need, but I’m holding out for something better.”

 

The more that we shame ourselves for our addictions, the more that we dwell in self-punishment for our contradictions and shortcomings, the more likely we are to stay stuck in the cycle. Our primary task on our journey through self-transformation is simply to allow our grace to be bigger than our shame.

 

We must feel our shame when it shows up. Hear its signal. Honor its call. But then we must move on, keeping its reminder in tow. To continue living our lives as we wish to live them. Marching boldly and bravely toward our values and our goals. Ask your dad to lunch! Make that piece of art! Go on that bike ride! Pay that overdue water bill! Some days will be utterly brilliant. Some days may be mercilessly mundane. We’ll know we’re on the right path if we’re forgiving ourselves largely and often. And taking time along the way to notice the tiny changes within us that signal greater shifting sands underneath.

 

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A few things I’m thankful for:

- Bike rides around my neighborhood!!

- Connor’s cooking :)

- The word demure?

 

 

Pop culture things I’m thinking about:

Connor and I started Season 1 Episode 1 of House of Dragons a few nights ago. Honestly, I can tell I’m going to enjoy the story, but sometime the violence is too much for me!! It’s so freakin graphic. We’ll make our way through slowly but surely, and I’ll be glad that I did.

 

 

A random journal entry:

10.7.19

“and when we die, may they bury us close enough to share a joint.”

 

 

A random thought:

I’m enjoying getting to know the birds of my neighborhood. There are a few mockingbirds that live around my house. And today Connor passed a man on his morning run who pointed up to a big bird in a tree and labeled it a Mississippi Kite. It’s fun to reacquaint with Southern wildlife.

 

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Thanks for reading :) Talk again soon.