One week from today I’ll be driving across the country to Pensacola, Florida to discover and live out the next chapter of my life. In honor of the big move, sharing here the very first entry in my Journalesque phone notes — written on the day of my very first big move. The adventure that started it all.

 

It’s interesting reading back and noticing how consistent my writing voice has been, even nine years later. Since I wrote these words, so much has happened that I could’ve never imagined. I wonder what this life will dream up for me next.

 

“I am on my way back to where I started”

 

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12.29.15

 

It's 5:29 am on December 29, 2015. I just got up to frantically find my journal, but I'm hoping it's already packed because it hasn't turned up anywhere. I've been awake for an hour—hungry but unable to eat because of my nerves. I'm listening to One Direction "18" on repeat. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm sad. I'm actually really sad. But I'm more excited than I am sad.

 

I'm moving to New York today. How crazy is that? I've been looking for a term that expresses the notion that life always seems to peak right before it's about to drastically change. I'm just realizing now that saying goodbye to my mom yesterday was hard for me. When I saw water begin to form in her eyes, I hugged her tight but left quickly. I don't like goodbyes. I always downplay them. "Obviously I'll be back like all the time," I told her. I think my biggest fear is not accurately expressing to people (especially my mother) exactly how much I love them. Yesterday on my way to get lunch with Justine, I cried in my car while blaring "Down In The Valley" by the Head and the Heart. It's the line "I am on my way back to where I started" that really got to me for some reason. Pensacola is very important to me. Of course the new restaurants and coffee shops downtown are making it a fun place to reside, but it's the people here that are making it hard to leave.

 

My dad decided last minute that he's driving me and Savannah and Emily up to the city instead of letting us go on our own. He said it's because he doesn't want us driving on our own in the rain, but I think part of it also has to do with his not wanting to let me go just yet. I'm just like my dad in the sense that we hold a lot of sentimental value toward each other and other humans but don't outwardly express just how much they mean to us as often as we probably want to.

 

My circle is small but it is tight. The people in my life mean so, so very much to me. People have been overwhelming me lately with kind words—mostly about my character. But I know I can't take any credit because I am only a product of my surroundings. Surroundings that will no longer surround me. I've learned, though, that some of my favorite and arguably strongest relationships are with people I only see on a semi-annual basis. Moving out and going to college was the best thing to happen to my mother and I's relationship, for example. Those relationships that are meant to strengthen will strengthen. Those relationships that have served their complete purpose in my life will wane. I am excited and prepared for both. But most importantly I am excited and prepared to form new relationships. Some of the most meaningful people in my life will be people I haven't even met yet. How incredible is that? The strength of the connections that I've formed in high school and in college could be nothing compared to the strength of the relationships that I'm about to form in this next chapter.

 

Justine's advice to me yesterday was that this point in my life is like a book. A really good book in which I know that the plot and the characters came out great. "But," she said, "I heard the next book in the series is even better." I'm excited to begin the next book. I think I'll go back to sleep now. Glad I got that out.

 

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A few things I’m thankful for:

- Friends who feel like family

- iPhone-generated “Memories” slideshows

- Surrendering, notch by notch

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Pop culture things I’m thinking about:

- Helena Beat by Foster the People is one of the greatest songs of all time. I will not be taking any further questions. The real ones know.

- BRAT by Charli XCX is 10/10. Awesome to see her artist growth journey and evolution.

 

 

A recent journal entry:

6.7.24

we do our best healing in the belly of the beast

 

 

A random thought:

Last night, Connor, Tess, Kait and I had a small send-off celebration at my apartment. We made dinner, reminisced, pulled Animal Cards, popped champagne, and watched a couple Bluey episodes.

 

I was having a bit of an anxious day yesterday prior to gathering. I felt like I couldn’t get in touch with my feelings. I knew I was feeling something big, but wasn’t sure what it was. Sometimes this whole thing — moving across the country, entering a new phase of intimacy with Connor, stepping into the unknown — is all too overwhelming. I asked God for a little sign. For a dose of perspective. To help me understand and process my experience.

 

Then last night — through all the chatter of making dinner, catching up, telling stories — one single line of an SG Lewis song pierced my ears as clear as day:

 

Well maybe I’ve been a fool

I was afraid of what I’d lose

 

And somehow my feelings became clearer.

 

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Thanks for reading :) Talk again soon.