I’d like to hope I’ll feel acceptance in the end. That I’d knock on my neighbor Shayna’s door and hand her my favorite wine glasses. “I won’t need them!” I say with a shrug. “I won’t be here!” I give her a big hug and tell her to hold down the fort. To keep making the world a better place. I tell her I hope I get to continue watching her journey from afar. That I get to be a part of it in some way. “But when you do find the right man, don’t give him too hard of a time!” I joke. “Take it easy on him when you know he’s really trying!”

 

I thank her for everything she’s done for me and say how grateful I am that we got to cross paths. “Knowing you has been one of the greatest joys of my life,” I say, doubling down to make sure the message is received. “I mean it.”

 

I’d kneel down and give her dogs some love. “You keep your mom company, okay? Be good to her, you hear?” After a few face licks and chin scratches, I stand up to give Shayna one more hug. We’re both crying, but it’s the good kind of cry. I start walking toward the door. With my hand on the handle, I proclaim, “Keep being sexy, too! Show everyone what they wish they could be!”

 

“You know I will!” We laugh together as I step outside. I turn around for one last look and blow her a big kiss. “I love you a lot!” I say with with my hands on my heart. “Love you, too.” she says. Teary eyed, I walk back toward my apartment.

 

I’d like to hope I’ll leave this world like I’ll leave LA. With an overwhelming feeling of love. Surrender. Peace. Immense gratitude for everything I’ve ever experienced. Immense trust in whatever I’m about to experience next.

 

____

 

A few things I’m thankful for:

- My aunts Sara and Keli

- The weird in-between

- Drawing

 

 

Pop culture things I’m thinking about:

- I’m sorry but I’m still obsessed with Bluey

- I don’t know why I’ve just heard the Jimmy Fallon Nicole Kidman story

- Sometimes there’s nothing better than an old UNHhhh episode

 

 

A random journal entry:

11.24.17

Black Friday. 9pm. Brooklyn and I are sitting in her car in the South Harbor Parking lot. Our chairs are reclined all the way and we’re singing old Taylor Swift with tears in our eyes. Bound by our individual heartbreaks. I love every second of it.

 

 

A random thought:

I’ve experienced a few secondhand deaths in the past few weeks — acquaintances, friends of friends. I’d like to acknowledge to myself and to others that even though I didn’t know these people closely I am still very much grieving their loss — even though maybe it feels like I “shouldn’t” have the right to.

 

I’m starting to understand that every loss is all of our loss. That all loss is interconnected. I grieve them like I grieve the loss of anything. With love and gratitude for all that they were. Maybe I didn’t know them very well, but crossing paths with their souls still very much planted a seed within me. I hope, in some small way, my life can be a sort of torch carried in their honor.

 

I wish them, their friends, and their families all of the love in the world.

 

____

 

 

Thanks for reading :) Talk again soon.