In honor of my Mee Maw’s 81st birthday

An excerpt from my Journalesque phone notes —

 

 

2.21.23

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Yesterday was Mee Maw’s 80th birthday. I called her from my car while I was running errands. We talked for 35 minutes. It was honestly a really magical conversation. One of the most cherished conversations that I believe I will ever have.

 

We started by talking about our days and catching up with the latest happenings of our lives. I told her how my first art class went. She told me about her upcoming trip to Gatlinburg with Karen. Last time they stayed in a high rise, but this time they’re staying in a little three-story townhouse across from a high rise. She says they usually overdo it on lunch and then take the leftovers home for dinner. This time they want to cook something in the crockpot.

 

I asked her how it felt to be 80. She said it felt “about the same as it felt being 79 a couple days ago.” We laughed. She told me she still feels about 55 inside. She told me about how she loves doing crossword puzzles on her iPad. She likes to google the ones that are easily accessible on the internet. She said that she and Kevin used to play the crossword every day. They would scan a copy of the daily paper and each do it at the same time while they had their morning coffee. I asked if they ever competed against each other to see who could finish it first. “Oh yes!” she said, as if it were a given. We laughed again.

 

I asked if she was afraid of death and told her that I had a great fear of death. That I think about it nearly every day. “Oh, no.” she said definitively. She wasn’t afraid at all. “Maybe I should be more afraid!” she joked. She told me that she knows her heart is right with God. That if she were to die tomorrow, she knows she’d go to heaven… but if for some reason heaven wasn’t real, she wouldn’t actually be losing anything because she’d be dead! Basically, she’s not scared either way.

 

I told her that I’m less afraid of death itself than I am dying before certain things in my life happen. Like having kids, for example.

 

“Plenty of people never have kids,” she said. That’s nothing to hang my fulfillment on, she explained. “Kids might be a great aspect of your life one day, but they’ll never complete you. You have to fill that hole yourself.”

 

We talked a bit more back and forth about my fears and her experience. She arrived at a takeaway. “I guess at some point you just find yourself content with what you’ve got. You don’t feel like you need anything else.”

 

I took in what she had to say but then continued on about how afraid I am of the big chapters on my horizon. Marriage, children, building my own adult life. Her advice to me was this: “The path will unfold before you. You don’t need to choose either/or. Don’t push something if you’re not yet sure that you want it.”

 

Something about her words soothed me. Like I could be still and take the radical step toward more fully trusting myself and God.

 

Later that night she texted me her favorite bible verse: Philippians 4:6-7.

 

“Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ.”

 

Earlier today, Brooklyn sent photos in our family group chat from Mee Maw’s birthday party. Dad said I was missed. I really wish I could’ve been there. But I’m also happy where I’m at. I feel the intergenerational healing taking place within my family. I’m so thankful to get to experience this life with the ones I love most.

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A few things I’m thankful for:

- Another year of chatting with Mee Maw

- Corn casserole

- My Saturn Return?

 

 

Pop culture things I’m thinking about:

- The Traitors US Season 2 (MUST WATCH TV!!)

- Season 1 of Desperate Housewives :)

 

 

A random journal entry:

2.4.20

the good news:

if you don’t water it

it will die

 

 

A recent thought:

I’m tired of being preached at by people on the internet. I’m tired of expert advice. I’m tired of life hacks and self-help info graphics. I’m tired of cold plunges and AG1 ads. I’m bored of algorithms telling me how to get more into my body. I’m annoyed that our society’s new version of “making it” is accomplishing something “great” and then turning around and giving others a 6-step guide on how to get there. If I hear the words “healing” or “trauma” or “the present moment” one more time, I might combust.

 

Okay, maybe it’s not so obvious — but I’m only half kidding.

 

I, too, gleefully contribute to 100% of the above. (The whole Mee Maw story is about intergenerational healing for Christ sake!) It’s the zeitgeist! It’s our current-day culture! It’s where our collective conscious is at right now — and I think it’s a beautiful place to be! Let us all continue on our healing journey. Let us all continue to cold plunge and climb to greater places and share with others how we got there. I wish only the best for all of us. And I think it’s amazing to witness and be a part of such a huge societal awakening.

 

All I’m saying is that…. Sometimes it feels like we’re missing the point.

 

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Thanks for reading :) Talk again soon.